The Death of Childhood(Memories)

“She said I was wasting my youth… so she took it.”-Buffy The Vampire Slayer(TV)

Now, I’m not an old man. Seriously. No matter what some of my so-called friends try to say about my “advanced” age, I’m only 28 years old(at least until March), but I find myself more and more saying things that being with something along the lines of “These kids today…” and end with me decrying the lack of cultural touchstones that my classmates in college and I share. I mean, hell, some of my co-workers have never even seen The Goonies, and I believe that to be a crime punishable by death in most civilized nations. So, it should come as no shock to me that these very same co-workers couldn’t understand my trepidation when I heard about the proposed A-Team movie. However, thanks to the fine people at the Movie Blog, I now have less fear about that particular bit of nostalgia from my younger days. Still, the mere thought of an A-Team movie that may, indeed, not suck and a very fine live-action Transformers has got me thinking about what other staples of my childhood could use an updating. So, I present to you the 3 creative properties from my youth that I would like to see updated into modern versions, along with my prediction of how Hollywood would fuck them up.

3. GI-Joe
Reasons For: Nothing would make me happier than seeing a live-action GI-Joe movie that didn’t make me want to commit random acts of violence on the producers, directors, writers, and actors immediately afterwards. I mean, how can you not make a badass action movie out of this concept? An elite group of America’s soldiers, trained to fight the ubiquitous terrorist organization of COBRA, fighting skirmishes in the war on terror. Hell, it’s even topical. That’s why it should be no shock that this movie has been on the development slate for quite some time now and is moving forward with a script written by Stuart Beattie and Skip Woods for an August 2009 release.

Reasons It Will Suck: First, and foremost, Stephen Sommers is the director. This is the man behind such craptastic dreck as The Mummy, The Mummy Returns, Van Helsing, and the live-action version of The Jungle Book. That’s right, this man has already ruined a live-action adaptation of a very nice comic property. Secondly, every synopsis I’ve seen of the plot of this movie has Destro as the leader of COBRA. Now, granted, this is just speculation, but if you don’t give me Cobra Commander, I will have my own group of VIPERs to take you down. Don’t doubt me on this one. And don’t get me started that they’ve cast Sienna Miller to play the Baroness. Yep, Sienna Miller, who to my knowledge is most famous for her relationships with talented people, rather than for being talented herself.

2. Ghostbusters
Reasons For: Because, after 20 years, my roommate and I can sit down to watch it and still find ourselves quoting along with the movie, and that’s the less impressive second film. The first inspired some good comedy, good copycats, bad copycats, and horrible videogames, but it also introduced a lot of people to the comic genius of Billy Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis, and Rick Moranis. I don’t think it is too much of a stretch to say that this film helped to inspire many of the comedic actors we enjoy today. This is why I think it would be a perfect time for Ghostbusters 3 to find its way to theatres. If you had Harold Ramis and Dan Aykroyd writing, and the entire cast back, you’d be able to get every nerd boy of my generation in line, right off the bat. Maybe even make it a passing the torch flick, introducing a new band of Busters. Plus, who can resist a “crossing the stream” joke? Of course, since they are making a Ghostbusters 3, in the guise of a videogame, I don’t think I’ll be seeing this movie anytime soon.

Reasons It Will Suck: They are making a goddamn video game. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love video games. I’ve played them since I was a kid. But, no matter the quality of the storyline, the quality of the graphics, and the quality of the voice acting, no video game has ever been as good as a movie of the same subject and story could have been. Now, they have got the entire original cast involved, but Dan Aykroyd and Bill Murray don’t strike me as the type of guys that are going to be giving 100% to voice roles in a video game. Why the hell couldn’t they have given me a movie, then done the game as a tie-in? I don’t ask for much.

1. Porky’s
Reasons For: Now, stay with me on this one. For an entire generation of boys, now men, our first introduction to nudity was this film series, usually caught late at night on HBO, or at a friend’s house on a sleepover. The movie that made Kim Cattrall a sex object, a status that continues to this day, also made many young men want to be Billy, Tommy, and Pee-Wee, yes, even Pee-Wee. What young man coming into his own can’t identify with the sexual awakening of horny teenage boys and girls? Unfortunately, the fact that this movie was made in 1982 has dated the filmmaking technique and the sexual references. Even with a movie that is set in 1954, an edgier, spiced up modern version of the film could easily reconnect to an entire new generation of sexually frustrated young men.

Reasons It Would Suck: There is absolutely no reason this film would suck. None. This would make American Pie look tame. However, due to worries about MPAA ratings and such, I’m guessing I have a better chance of becoming Pope than this movie has of being remade, but I still hold out hope, if for no other reason than seeing a new version of Wendy, played by somebody somewhat hotter than the ever annoying Kaki Hunter.

There you go. Do you have any ideas of old properties that would be a great addition to our Pop Culture world? Let me know.